There used to be a great warrior named Jon. During his time on
earth Jon lived a very different life than many warriors. Growing up Jon was
gifted with a magical weapon that a great sorcerer gave to him. Many people
believe Jon was given this weapon because of how well he lived in his previous
life. after being given this weapon Jon soon found out that it could change
forms throughout a fight. In many instances this special ability would
give him the advantage in any quarrel that Jon found himself in.
Growing up as a young boy Jon put it on himself to protect
his homeland and surrounding cities from monsters and help whoever wanted or
needed his assistance because of the incredible weapon he possessed. Progressing
into manhood Jon became one of the strongest and most talented men that this
world had ever seen but through all his battles and monsters he had slain Jon would
have no idea what challenge was lurking around the corner.
A man from a distant village came running up to Jon in a
panic that his entire home was being burned alive by a crimson fire-breathing
leopard. The man told Jon that the reason the leopard was attacking the village
was because they had to take one of her mystic fire stones to give to the Gods.
He then continued by pleading with Jon that he was the only one with the skill
and capabilities to be able to defeat this leopard. Jon told the man that he
would go and defeat this leopard for his village! Jon had never dealt with any
animals that were able to breathe fire out of their mouth before, but as with
all the other fights he had been in he was ready for the challenge.
As soon as he got to the village a darkness had fallen over
the entire sky with no light other than the red embers of the burnt down huts
all around the village. Jon then got a sudden inner feeling as he then understood
the importance and emergency of the situation he had walked into. With each
step that Jon took he could feel the heat of every little fire that was burning
around him, but still he lurked around looking for the leopard that had
destroyed everything in the village. Just as Jon was about to let his guard
down a giant glowing red leopard shot out at him like a scorching ball of fire.
Jon was shocked and frightened by the quickness and power that this leopard showed
him. Frantically Jon was trying to figure out what kind of weapon he wanted to
use in this situation. Suddenly it came to him that he could make his magic
weapon turn into an ice bow that shot out frost arrows.
The battle with this terrifying leopard went on and on with
each foe exchanging shots with fire and ice. But eventually the leopard made a
mistake that caused her to lose the battle. Jon had noticed that each time the
leopard shot a fire ball at him she always returned to a pit of fire to
replenish the fire that was all around her body. So once she shot her last fire
ball, instead of aiming at the beast Jon shot an arrow straight into the fire
pit nearest the leopard and hit her in the center of her heart. As a few seconds
went by the frost arrow that entered the leopard's heart had slowly started to
turn a blue color before freezing over and shattering into a thousand pieces!
After this fight Jon returned to the man just outside of the
village to tell him the good news that the leopard was gone. Jon also told him
the bad news that the entire village was basically burned to the ground. The
man then was moved to sheer joy that Jon was able to kill the beast and
informed Jon that they could rebuild their new village all because of him! Satisfied
and proud of himself Jon took all that he had learned from this experience to
heart. Then after Jon had his last interaction with the man of the village he packed
up his belonging and headed back to his home village.
Fire Leopard: Web Link
Author's
notes: The story that inspired this was the story of Thataka in the PDE
Ramayana. I changed the name of Rama to Jon for this story for two reasons. One
I didn't want to keep his name so the story could have my own special touch to
it. Secondly, I changed it to Jon because of “Jon Snow” who is one of the main
characters in Game of Thrones! Since Rama fought off monsters using a magic
weapon I thought it would be really cool to translate that idea into this
story. I tried to give the weapon the same feel that it had in the original
story so I kept that aspect so it could change into anything that Jon wanted it
to be. This is also where I got the frost arrows idea from. I used the
bow concept for Jon in the story because Rama uses a bow in many of his stories
even though Jon Snow uses a sword in his stories. I didn't really want to use
the same monster that was in the original story so I changed it to a leopard
that uses fire to give it a little more danger to the plot. That is also an
extension of Game of Thrones because there are fire-breathing dragons in the
main story line so in my story the leopard was given fire to match. In the
Ramayana, Rama was guarding the village from Thataka attacking it, but I wanted
it to resemble Game of Thrones by Jon protecting the ice wall in the North.
I tried to place as many Game of Thrones ideas into this story as I could
think of to give the reader a cool mash up story! Hope all who read this story
enjoyed it! In case anyone is interested in Game of Thrones or didn't quite understand what I was referencing here is a link.
Bibliography: PDE Ramayana: Thataka- Source
Wow, what a great change to the story. To be honest, it took me a while to figure out which story you had rewritten, but it makes a lot more sense now! I like the idea of the fiery leopard being the monster. It's a great spin on the original story. You do have some grammar errors, but overall it was great!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the fire leopard! I love the concept of creating the same story with new characters. They add a freshness to the story, and allow for different interpretations to occur! I agree with Michaela, it's a great spin-off! I also feel the need to point out as well that you do have some grammatical errors, but I did enjoy the story!
ReplyDeleteHey Stanton! This was a really fun story to read, I mean fire-breathing leopards and magical weapons what more could a reader ask for? I think that you did a great job setting up the story for the big fight as well as describing the fight. I wonder what would have happened if the leopard had turned out to be the great sorcerer that had blessed Jon with his gift? That would have made a really cool twist! But I’m not sure how well that would have fit in with the Ramayana original version of the story. It would also be cool to think about what if the leopard had become Jon’s friend, they could have become pretty unstoppable if they were able to work together. There were a few little grammatical issues throughout the story, but that can be easily fixed. As a whole I really enjoyed the story and the spin you gave on the original, can’t wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteWow this was a really fun story to read. I enjoyed the suspense and action involved in the story. I think that you did a great job of setting the scene of who Jon was and what he was capable of. Along with setting the scene, the fight was described very well. The part during the fight where Jon realized what the fire-breathing leopard was doing was very suspenseful. I found it funny that you threw in the part about the bad news of the village being burned to the ground, but the people were still thankful. An aspect that I thought about that would have changed the story is if Jon and the leopard worked together to take on others that were threatening villages. I feel like the combination of those two would be unstoppable. There was a few slight grammar and spelling mistakes in the story, but those are easy to fix with just proofreading! Overall, I really enjoyed your story about Jon and the leopard and look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great story! I love how you set up the scene and developed Jon as the character. It was a fun take on the original. After reading your Author's note I became even more attached to your story because I LOVE Game of Thrones also! It's kind of fun imagining that Rama is Jon Snow. It changes the dynamic in a cool way.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story! I have read this before on your blog, but I enjoyed it so much that reading it for the second time wasn't a problem at all. I always enjoy reading the stories that you write. I really enjoyed the leopard in the story. I thought that it was a unique twist to the story that I wasn't expecting when I started the story. Your descriptions are wonderful! I particularly enjoyed the one that was "Just as Jon was about to let his guard down a giant glowing red leopard shot out at him like a fiery ball of fire." That is my favorite description of the leopard in the story. I feel that you do a great job with your stories, and I cannot wait to read more of them! Good luck for your portfolio!
ReplyDeleteHi, this was great. I like how you kept the original concept but changed the format enough to make it your own. Your author's notes was awesome, and it really helped me understand the original plot that you got it from. It was really fun and a fast read. Usually it takes me a while or it gets boring but with this story, I was actually looking forward to reading the rest of it.
ReplyDeleteHello! I'm very new to the Game of Thrones franchise, in fact, I'm making my way through the first book right now, so it's cool that you chose Jon to represent Rama. Your transformation of the story was fantastic; I liked how you showed us not only Jon's heroism but also explained his strategy. It gave us a good insight into the type of warrior he is.
ReplyDeleteWhile the plot moved along nicely, I couldn't help but wonder why the villagers took one of the mystic fire stones in the first place. As a sacrifice to the Gods, apparently, but was that a specific request or did they historically use fire stones in some ritual? It seems like the reason the leopard began attacking in the first place was because of the stones, so could it have actually been averted?
Other than that, it looks great! There are some grammatical errors here and there, so I would recommend proofreading again. Also, the first paragraph does a good job of introducing Jon, but the sentences seem a little choppy. Maybe try varying your sentence length so it flows a little better?
Hi Stanton! I can't beleive the coincidence! I was browsing youtube videos and listening to music, and I found an Oud artist who was doing covers. Well, I started listening to his Game of Thrones cover just as I began to read your story, and I just kept thinking to myself as I was listening: "wow, this reads really, really well with this music. It's almost perfectly paired." What are the odds?! This was your intention - Game of Throne influence! How fun. :-D
ReplyDeleteA few small edits:
-'Jon, (was) shocked and frightened by the quickness and power that this leopard showed him.' I think you're missing a verb in this sentence.
-The man then was moved to sheer joy that Jon was able to kill the beast and informed Jon that they could rebuild and their (a)new village all because of him.' I think you should take out 'and their' and replace it with "rebuild a new village"
-'Then after Jon had his last interaction with the man of the village he b(p)acked up his belonging and headed back to his home village.' Packed up, not backed up. :)
I think I would appreciate the image being at the top of the story instead of the bottom, to really set the mood. The picture you have chosen is really nice and the fact that it's very different (more modern?) from most of the hindu deity images we've been seeing over the semester really sets the reader up for something totally different, which is what your story is.
Overall, for clarity, I would suggest expanding on this idea more: "The man told Jon that the reason the leopard was attacking the village was because they had to take one of her mystic fire stones to give to the Gods." That's really the meat of the story, and as a reader, I definitely want to know more about this! I also think it would be more attention grabbing and interesting if you shift the 3rd paragraph to the top, making it the 1st paragraph. Then you could work in the backstory on Jon, but this way, our attention would be immediately focused on the center of the story, which is a thrilling read. Great, great, great idea you've got to work with Stanton!
Stanton, I really like the idea for this story! I think you did a really good job of combining the elements of both stories without taking too much from either source, while also transforming some of the key elements of both stories into your own ideas. I especially liked your idea of taking Thakata and making her into a fire-breathing leopard, which adapts ideas from Game of Thrones to fit this monster that Rama needs to conquer in The Ramayana. I think that there is a lot of great action throughout the story, but I wonder if this story could benefit from some added dialogue, maybe to illustrate dramatic tension between the characters. If you added some dialogue, you might also be able to take out some sentences and make the story more concise. For instance, what if you took the sentence “Jon then got a sudden stillness as he then understood the importance and emergency of the situation he had walked into” and changed it to something more active and concise like “Jon froze as he grasped the urgency of the situation”?
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love Game of Thrones so I completely approve of combining this and the Ramayana! There are actually some YouTube videos comparing Karna from the Mahabharata and Jon Snow if you want some more story ideas! But back to your story, however, I really like the way you combined the two together! I actually didn't really remember this story from the Ramayana so it was really nice going back and remembering how this story went. I like all of the changes you made to it as well and how you made it your own story rather than a simple retelling. Like some of the other commenters, I noticed some issues with grammar and punctuation, so going back and revising that would be good. Your plot and action are very solid though! I like your descriptions of the frost freezing the heart of the fire leopard and how creative they were! Overall, I really like your story and can't wait to read more, hopefully Game of Thrones themed, stories!
ReplyDeleteHi Stanton,
ReplyDeleteAt first it was very difficult for me to figure out which story you were trying to retell since there are so many fight stories in the Ramayana. Perhaps try giving the leopard a more intricate backstory like Thataka has in the original. The Narayan version of the Ramayana has a beautiful description of Thataka's previous life, and adding details like those could really transform your story! Great job combining Game of Thrones and the Ramayana though! I haven't read many crossovers and this one was really interesting. My favorite part was when Jon made a special weapon to combat the flames coming from the leopard. The Ramayana and Mahabharata have many instances in battle when a new weapon has to be used to neutralize a new threat, so your story was reminiscent of those fight scenes. Describing a fight scene can be difficult, and you have done a great job with it!
I was originally drawn to your portfolio as my third choice because I read there was a Game of Thrones mash up and I got really excited. Then I got even more excited when I saw a story about a Fire Leopard. That is just the coolest title I couldn't resist! Something I did notice in the first few sentences was a capitalization that should be there. It is the beginning of the 5th sentence I believe. The ability being that he would have the advantage in any quarrel he finds himself in makes me think of a character from an anime I watched recently where that was exactly what his ability was. He was supposed to be a humorous godlike character. I like how you build up Jon so much in the first two paragraphs and then kill us with a foreshadow of something lurking around the corner that our dear hero may not entirely be able to handle. The suspense is great! Great job on the story, I can't wait to come back and read more!
ReplyDeleteI remember reading one of our other stories that was inspired by OU football. This seems like such change of pace for me and I love it. It really shows that you are a great writer in the sense of variety. You're able to create stories with completely different ideas and have success with each story. Well done! I really loved this story. I thought the way that Jon was able to defeat the fire leopard was really clever. You did an excellent job of setting up the visual picture of the fire leopard replenishing its fire source. This detail helped me understand the ultimate destruction of the leopard. I really liked this simply because I felt like I was figuring out ho to defeat the leopard at the same time Jon was. It really helped me connect with your character. This was a great addition to your portfolio. Great work!
ReplyDelete