Monday, October 31, 2016

Story: Love-Driven Sister

It’s a funny thing having a brother that on any given day just might not like the way you look at him and then decide to kill you. The crazier thing is that the person my brother had told me to kill this time was the love of my life. Once Hidimba smelled human flesh somewhere in the forest he tasked me with the job of finding and bringing him back this wonderful aroma to eat. However, once I arrived I found five sleeping humans and one man that I could not turn my eyes from. At this moment I knew I wanted this man to be my husband. I would not be able to complete this task for my brother.
I had to warn him quickly if I was going to save him. As I got closer to this man I knew that for me to have any chance in convincing him to leave I must transform into a beautiful woman. Once I approached this hulk of a man I was hoping that the sheer sight of me would make him want to leave and run for the hills with me as his wife. However, this was not the case as I hoped it would be. Once I got close enough he introduced himself as Bhima.
As I tried to get Bhima to just leave me and abandon these people that were with him he stopped me with a powerful booming voice proclaiming, "I will not leave my family behind!" I pleaded with him again that if he wouldn’t wake up his mother and brethren that they would become my brother’s food for the night, but this mighty man didn’t listen to me. He claimed that he would not wake his family because he wasn't afraid of rakshasas or of my chieftain brother. With pride Bhima said,"Look at me! I have the arms of oxen, legs of mighty trees, and the strength of a thousand men. Do you really think I am afraid of your brother? I will not be the one to be slain tonight but your brother will if he wishes to make this a challenge!"
Hidimba all the while had been listening from afar getting more and more impatient with the passing time. Once he had heard Bhima boast about killing him he was engulfed in rage and began his charge toward Bhima. As soon as he arrived he looked straight at me with his rage-inflamed eye and screamed, “Oh sister, since you want to disguise yourself as a human you will die with these humans!” Then he rushed me like a bull with intent to kill me where I stood before moving on to the others.
However, Bhima quick on his feet intercepted my brother and his attempt to slay me. In all reality I was so frozen with fear of my brother it would have been nothing for him to defeat me right then and there, but luckily Bhima wasn’t scared of Hidimba at all. Bhima cried, “You will not attack a woman whenever I am around! On this nightfall your sister will witness your death by way of a one on one battle!”
Hidimba responded, “I will destroy you first, Bhima! Then one by one your family will fall, until finally I will slay my betraying sister!”
I was honestly relieved that Bhima had challenged my brother to combat, but I thought to myself, "If Bhima loses to my brother I am dead meat!"
Once the fight commenced it was like witnessing waves crashing against each other, with each punch acting like lightning striking the ground. Through all of this wrestling trees had been dislodged from the ground and rocks had been split as if an earthquake had happened.
As time passed the fight progressed to eventually wake up Bhima's brethren to rush to his aid. As I watched from afar I could hear one of the brothers yell out to Bhima to not play with this beast anymore and finish the job.
Bhima responded, “Do not fret, brother! This monster will not be able to escape my grips!”
“Brother, please hurry! The strength of rakshasas becomes much stronger when they are in the daylight, and that time is almost upon us!”
As I was watching Bhima respond to his brother's words it was like a switch turned on in his head. He lifted my brother high above his head and with the power of a thousand men brought him back down to the middle of his knee. That being the final blow of the battle. Bhima had broken my brother’s back.
I finally felt free from the evil of my brother thanks to Bhima. Now the only thing I have to do is try to get him to become my husband...




Author’s note: The source for most of this story is from PDE Mahabharata: Bhima and Hidimba. I wanted to retell this story because it has been one of my favorites I have read in this class up to this date. I told the story back from the sister’s point of view because I think it would have been a very confusing thing to watch the person you love and your brother fight it out. Also I tried to capture what the sister must be feeling throughout the story. I’m not too sure if I was able to capture how she felt as well as I wanted to so this could be a possible revision point I can work on this next week. I would want to add more detail to the fighting scene but I didn’t have enough room to place what I wanted. Overall I will want to go back and add a lot more detail to the story as a whole. There is room for me to be able to make it more descriptive. 
I went back through on revisions and added a few extra lines of dialogue that added some description to the story. I also went through and made a few changes that I think helped the story flow a little better. 

5 comments:

  1. Hi Stanton, I remember reading this story and really liking it as well in the Mahabharata. It kind of reminds me of the Ramayana when the Rakasha tried to fool Sita and Rama was so angry. Anyway, it is fun to see it from the sister's point of view. Some parts of the story were a little confusing and like you said I think with a little more time spent revising you will get those kinks smoothed out.

    Here is a little thing I think you just missed
    --> "I must warn him quickly if I am to safe him."
    Change "safe" to "save" here.
    I thought your fight scene was good and descriptive. You may want to add to our author's note, add a little more of what the original story was about. I know it was a requirement to read the Mahabharata for our class but some people read different versions and the story may not have happened exactly as the version you read. Some people may just need remembering too, it's been a little since we have read it!

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  2. Hi Stanton! I think that the use of telling the story from the sister's point of view is very unique. I don't really remember the story of Bhima and Hidimba from the Mahabharata, so you may want to edit your author's note a bit to summerize what happens in the original story from the Mahabharata. This would help people who either don't remember the story like me, or those who have never even read the story, understand what is happening. There are a few grammatical errors that I came across when reading your story, here are a few:
    " given day just might not like the way you look at you then decide to kill you." in the first sentence
    "Approached this hulk of a man I was hoping that the shear sight of me would make him want to leave and run for the hills with me as his wife." in the second paragraph, I think you may be missing "As I approached.." or something similar
    "As I watched from afar I could hear one of the brother’s hell out to Bhima to not play with this beast and more and finish the job." Near the end of the story, change "hell" to "yell"
    There are also some commas missing throughout the whole story, and this would just help with the flow of the story. Another thing you may consider doing is changing any numbers from their numerical state, such as 100, to their word state, such as one hundred.
    Overall, this is a great story and I'm excited to read more!

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  3. Hi again Stanton!
    I've kept up with all of your stories thus far and I think "Love-driven Sister" is my favorite. I really enjoyed the creativity of the fire leopard story, but this one is a great character study. We find out the reasons characters do things, and how they feel, which is what makes stories captivating. The only thing I wondered about while reading this story was why she even stayed with her brother? Was she kept safe by Hidimba or did he catch her food, or was it a relationship based only on fear? This poor girl! In the synopsis for this story, it mentions the most important part of this story, which is the sister's difficulty choosing between her brother and the man she loves. While they're fighting, you could add a flashback to see why she would side with her brother or perhaps she could be looking at Bhima and admiring him throughout the fight. Just some suggestions for an already good story!

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  4. Greetings Stanton,
    This story is very funny! I found it interesting to see the dispute between brother and sister blown so far out of proportion. It is interesting to see the extremes of a normal brother and sister quarrel. I think that this story could have been made easier to read with some better spacing. The way all of the paragraphs are smashed together makes the story seem clustered. I think that adding at least one space in between paragraphs would go a long way to making this story more readable and aesthetically appealing. You did a great job of adding details to this story which makes it much more entertaining for the reader. This story is very well written and I can see a large improvement over the first stories you had wrote. You did a great job of learning how to improve your writing throughout the semester and applying it to your stories.

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  5. I always really enjoy stories (like tihs one) that show the internal dialogue and thoughts of a character, especially a character who doesn't receive much attention otherwise. I think you did a good job of that. The only thing that should be changed is the formatting. All of the paragraphs are squashed together, making the story a wall of text. If you divided the paragraphs by an empty line, it would make the whole story easier to read.

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